O Ocean
by niver
Summary: /For Kaza/ /AU/ “I'm Uzumaki Naruto. According to my friend I'm a struggling artist seeking inspiration, and I couldn't help but notice you looking my way.” /Narusai/ /Crack-ish/ Naruto, meet Sai. He knows where you live, and he'd like a date. /oneshot/


**A/N: This is dedicate/written for/inspired by/plot raped from Kaza.**

**I HOPE YOU LIKE IT! Sorry it took so long. I suck. A lot. I know you're not into Naruto anymore, but I hope you can appreciate it nonetheless. It's not like it's very canon.**

**O Ocean**

"My fisherman. All mine. Stop looking at him that way. Stop it!"

". . . I don't know, Naruto. That guy's kinda rugged. I like my men pretty like me."

"Is that why you banged that snakey bastard? And Neji? And Haku? And Kimimaro? And . . . uhhh, who else? Oh yeah, your brother--"

"Like you haven't slept with half of them yourself."

"True. I like pretty boys too. But you know, rugged men are like, rugged."

"Amazingly accurate observation, idiot."

"Shut up bastard! Come on, you like rugged guys too!"

"Yeah, you know what? I like men in general. I'm gay. You're bi. Shocking."

"Men in general, for sure. Except ugly guys. You know what, if I'm gonna bang a dude, he better make me wanna cream my panties."

"You wear panties?"

"Fuck, you know what I meant."

"Uh-huh. Now, I've got to get back to work. At my real job. You resume your . . . struggling artist seeking inspiration jive."

"Bastard."

"Moron."

_-Sigh-_

Uzumaki Naruto watched as his (bestest best bestest) friend Uchiha Sasuke walked away, heading to his overly-expensive, overly-flashy car. It was wonders that Naruto was friends with people so rich, such as the Uchiha, and all the same lived in his moderate apartment covered in ramen posters.

"O Ocean, inspire the feelings that shall not tide 'way . . . lest my heart announce an entreaty to the moon that shall do say . . ." Naruto paused in picking back up his pen, as he gazed at the body of water he waxed poetically towards. Naruto couldn't even remember what that was from. Was it his first or second novel? Well, most likely the second, if he couldn't remember. That one didn't even get printed. Slush pile, complete rejection.

Maybe Sasuke was just a bit right about the struggling artist thing.

"At least the first one got printed . . ." Naruto grumbled as he began to write randomly, not quite connecting with the words on the page. Of course, he was conveniently forgetting that the novel had made next to no sales. Like some bad sci-fi novel, all 'I am Adam, I am Eve' style.

"You're lacking inspiration. And polluted water won't help."

"The fuck?"

Naruto spun around, and stared for a few seconds. Okay. Gorgeous dark-haired, pale-skinned piece of ass was talking to him. (Or was he insulting?) (And make that freakishly pale.) (Maybe not Orochimaru-level, but pretty damn close.)

"What the hell gives you a right to pry into my business?" Asked Naruto in annoyance, shifting his weight a bit as he eyed up the male, who appeared roughly his age and was wearing a cropped top of some sort.

"I'm only stating. You're in the place I normally paint from, so I felt that we had some sort of connection." And then this bastard-dude with nice abs just went and did the creepiest smile Naruto had ever seen. It was incredibly plastic, and looked even stranger on that freakishly symmetrical face. Gorgeous, but freaky.

"You paint from here? Well I get inspired from here." Naruto decided that hey, if this guy wanted to be more annoying than Sasuke on his man-period, then it was no problem of Naruto's. He could just get this argument over with quickly, and go back to sitting on the – HIS – shit-covered rock. This guy looked like a pansy anyway, it wouldn't be hard.

"Yes, I do. I believe I already stated that. And inspired? Then why did your first book, which was okay, but overly rough in edges and full of terrible language get nothing in the way of critical acclaim? And your second . . . slush pile, was it? What are you aiming for next, the postman burning your manuscript in his shame at how terrible it is – even though he's never even read it?"

Quite a few things ran through Naruto's mind at this moment. One, this guy was a dick. Two, this guy was a dick and didn't even look aware of it. Three, this guy had really nicely shaped lips. And four, this guy knew a scary amount about Naruto's literary career.

"How do you know all this?"

"I've been watching you."

The man smiled.

Then Naruto smiled.

And then Naruto ran.

_

* * *

  
_

"I'm tellin' ya Sakura-chan, he was stalkin' me!" Naruto wailed into the phone, and was replied with a simple, "_uh-huh."_ The blond gave a frustrated sigh, running a hand through already messy locks. "Sakura-chan, don't you caaaaaaaaaare?"

"_Not really . . . wait, what were we talking about? Sorry, my lesbian side just kicked in, gotta go have a threesome with Ino-pig and Hinata."_ This distracted Naruto, and he grinned widely.

"Can I watch?"

"_No . . . anyway, I just remembered Sasuke-kun's smiling face, I think I like boys again. Bye."_

_-Bzzz-_

"She's always teasing me with the promise of lesbianism . . ." Naruto gave a distinct pout, before hitting the 'end' button and punching in Sasuke's office number.

_-Ring-_

_-Riiing-_

_-Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing-_

_-Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing-_

"Sasukeeeeeeeee, pick uuuuuuuuuup." Naruto whined, and was actually rewarded with the clicking noise of someone answering the phone on the other end.

"_Itachi, didn't I tell you to stop trying it over the phone? Can't you wait until I'm home--"_

"Uhh, Sasuke--"

"_Oh, who is this then? Why is it I do one thing with you bastards, and you keep on wanting more? I need rest, you know!"_

"Sasuke--!"

"_I can't even look my poor mother in the face anymore, knowing what my schedule is full of! And you think you can just call me up and--"_

"SASUKE YOU DICK, IT'S ME. NARUTO. And we only had a one-time thing that I DON'T want to repeat."

"_I knew it was you, stupid. I was just hoping I could get you to hang up. Too late for that, I guess."_

"How did you know!? Are you like, psychic?"

"_Caller ID. Look it up."_

". . . So you're not? Psychic, I mean?"

"_Well, his name is unknown, he went to Root Academy, he's a successful painter under the alias of Sai, which is what he's been known as since high school. Yes, he's gay, no I've never dated him, and I have no idea how he's been watching you."_

"Um . . . thanks? That was really creepy. Hey! Can you tell me the winning lotto numbers too!?"

"_I can't, though I probably wouldn't if I could. I just know Sai through Orochimaru, and I decided to research him, in case, you know, I might ever need to know."_

"And that's why you're a scary bastard. But hey, how in the hell did you know I'd met the guy?"

"_Sakura texted me. She also said we're going clubbing tonight, so I'll have to pick up my leather pants from the cleaners. Later, loser."_

_-Bzzz-_

Naruto put the phone back in its cradle, giving a thoughtful sigh. "I'd forgotten that Sakura-chan has texting thumbs from hell." He then sat down, pondering what Sasuke had said. "Sai, huh?" Well, he could trust Sasuke. He HAD told Sakura like, everything about his meeting with the creeper. And Sakura was a very thorough person.

It was then that Naruto began to search for his notebook, intent on making notes about what he learned, and discovered that he couldn't find it. "I'll find it later," he mumbled, and then decided to take a shower. A nice long one. The day had certainly been strange, and he just needed to relax.

Just needed to relax.

* * *

Sakura was busy downloading yaoi doujinshi from the Internet when her cell rang. The display said "Oinky Oink", so there really wasn't any guess to who it was. Picking up the phone, she flipped it open and pressed it to her ear. "What is it, Ino-pig? I'm kind of busy right now. I want to see who's the seme."

"_Billboard brow, that's nasty . . . tell me later who tops, 'kay? Right now, I need to hook my friend up."_

"Which friend? Have I met them?"

"_Probably not. And I wouldn't ruin the blind date surprise anyway."_

"Ooooh, blind date? I love blind dates! Remember when I set Tenten and Sasori-san up together?"

"_And then he spent the date quoting obscure movies until Tenten started to cry. That was smooth."_

"Shut up! Not my fault if Sasori-san's a whiny little dickwad who can't appreciate a good girl when she comes along."

"_Whatever. You just suck. Accept it, and get me a nice guy for my friend to date. My guy friend. I don't want something like the time you set up Kiba and Shikamaru."_

"**Whatever** Ino-pig. Go fuck yourself, I'll call you later for meeting times and stuff."

"_Buh-bye, billboard-brow."_

"Bye."

_-Bzzz-_

Sakura stared at her cellphone for a few seconds, as she ran through her mental list of friends. And then an evil smirk crawled across her face, an idea forming in her mind. With a devilish snicker, she punched in a number she knew off by heart. It took a few rings, but the person picked up eventually.

"_Hey! I was just in the shower you know!"_

"Well, I'd hope you're clean Naruto. I got you a date."

"_Sweet!"_

Naruto hung up, leaving Sakura hanging. Of course, she didn't quite mind, as the doujinshi was done downloading. As she clicked open the first file, she grinned even wider than before. "Trust to it, Ino won't think it's so sweet." After all, Sakura just KNEW the reaction Ino would have to Naruto showing up. She just knew it.

Really though, Sakura had no idea what her defiance was starting.

_

* * *

  
_

Naruto sighed as he tugged his shirt down a bit, tanned hands coming up to ruffle his blond hair. Okay, why did he let Sakura set him up on a blind date again? Oh yeah. Sakura was his angel and he agreed to anything she said.

The restaurant where he was to be meeting the guy was some type of surf and turf diner, and Naruto was scanning his menu a bit desperately for ramen while humming a jaunty tune. "Stop it!" He glanced up at Ino, who was looking completely irritable (Sakura, however, looked happy as heck). He didn't know why Ino looked like that. They got along relatively well, but the moment he walked over to the booth where the two girls sat, her smile had immediately turned into a scowl.

While Naruto began to drum the tune onto the table with his bored hands, Ino twisted around in anxiety. "Where is he . . . dammit, dammit dammit, YES!" And before either Sakura or Naruto could see who she was talking about, Ino had gotten up, run over and was appearing to try and change the mind of the mystery date. Well, the pair at the booth could only guess, but Ino ix-nay hand motions and her loud exclamations of "NO NO NO, GO AWAY" were a tad bit of a hint. It seemed that mystery date was not to be persuaded, as a pale hand came up to push Ino away as the now revealed mystery date began to walk to their booth. The problem was, he wasn't quite a mystery.

It was his stalker named Sai.

"Oh god Naruto, what are you doing with that knife!" Sakura lunged across the table, wrestling from him a plastic butter knife Naruto had been quite intent on driving through his skull. Sai reached the table just as Sakura prevented Naruto from performing ineffective suicide.

"We meet again. Naruto." The blond boy then decided his name had never sounded creepier than when said by this weirdo. Desperate blue eyes begged Sakura to stay, but clearly she recognized the man from Naruto's description and left with a grin. She and Ino got their own booth on the other side of the diner, and Naruto watched as Sai sat down across from him. "I'm wondering, do you prefer dickless? I mean, it looked like you were trying to hide behind that ugly dog over there."

Naruto blinked, processed, then glared. "Why are you such a bastard, Sai?" Only after the words left his mouth did Naruto realize his mistake. A smile graced those nice lips, and his eyes closed and curved.

"You know my name? I suppose you also know where I went to school." It was clearly a joke, but Naruto decided to take advantage of the easy ball in his field.

"Root Academy. And Sai isn't your name, just a nickname." He said this all in a sullen tone, as if the information was simply off-hand from a brochure. Sai had the nerve to only look mildly surprised, but he did lean back and surveyed Naruto with a disturbing intensity. Then he smiled.

"Are you stalking me?" The look that spread across Naruto's face at this question was quite informative to what he clearly thought about Sai's audacity.

"No! What the fuck man, you were the one following me!" Naruto growled, smacking the table. Sai blinked.

"What would make you say that?"

"Uhh, those things you said to me . . . this morning! Shit, dude, twice in one day! What did I do to deserve this!"

Sai ignored Naruto's wails, and righted the salt shaker Naruto's hitting of the table tipped over. "All I did was mention your literary status. Maybe I'm a fan. However, that's quite the information you know about me."

Naruto froze. Dammit, he was right! He couldn't exactly say that he had accidentally used his friend network to learn all this about the other man. So, Naruto did the smoothest thing possible. He changed the subject.

"So, you friends with Ino?" Sai didn't raise an eyebrow, but Naruto could just FEEL that he was doing it. Mentally.

"Yes. We met at a bar when she tried to pick me up. She was quite drunk and kept calling me 'Sasuke-kun', so I brought her back to my place where she fell asleep. The next morning we chatted, and she mentioned that she was going to kill you and a 'Sakura' for letting her get date raped. Without the rape. Or the date." _This _interested Naruto.

"Wasn't that like, four years ago? I remember, cuz she called me at ten when I was still sleepin' and gave me the biggest beat down I've ever gotten over a phone."

"Roughly."

Naruto leaned back, scratching his revealed stomach thoughtfully. "Well, I guess I can't say much. I mean, me and Sakura-chan are friends. You and Ino, friends . . ." he shook his head in disbelief.

"You know, I've always admired your tattoo." Naruto shot up again, tugging down his shirt in order to cover his spiral-tattooed tummy. He couldn't help but note that wasn't a 'I admire your tattoo' but a 'I've _always_ admired your tattoo'.

"Uhh, thanks. Oh. Look. The waiter." The girl who stood there cleared her throat. (Again. She had been standing there for over a minute, attempting to get their attention while admiring all the gorgeous.) "Can I get some . . . soup? Of the day? Soda to drink?"

She nodded, and turned to the pretty boy. He didn't even glance at the menu, simply smiled and said, "can I have some salted boiled eggs with some orange juice to drink?" The waitress nodded again. She couldn't bring herself to tell either of these sexy guys that their diner did not have soup of the day, and they certainly didn't cater salted boiled eggs (ew!). She would just have to explain it to the cook. She'd understand.

Naruto gave the waitress a strange look as she fluttered away, and then gave Sai a stranger look. What a thing to order. "So, err, you're a painter?"

Sai flashed him something that was more a smirk than a smile. "If you knew the colour of my underwear, I wouldn't be surprised. Yes, I'm a painter."

Naruto decided not to argue the stalker point. (Or the fact that Sai had told him that he was a painter that morning.) Instead he asked, "since I'm sitting through this date with you, can I have a portrait?" Naruto liked free things, and he liked free things that showed just how wonderful he was.

"Sure." And with that, Sai reached into the black shoulder bag he'd sat at his feet, and drew out a painted canvas, which he then handed to Naruto. Said blond took one look, before he made a noise that sounded like a garbage disposal in a sink. Then he took another look. Yes, it was of him. And that wasn't the end of the total strangeness. In the painting, he was full-bodied, and he was quite _nude_. The only thing covering his shame was a fig leaf (of all things) and he was posing in what was quite distinctly his living room. Naruto made another strange noise.

"Do you like it?" Sai gave a smile while Naruto took his third look at the painting. Oh dear sweet lord above, his tattoo was there. And a quite distinctive blond trail of hair. And that small scar he had on his side. The detail was disturbing.

"Uhh, it's nicely painted . . . you fucking stalker!" Naruto jumped to his feet, completely prepared to run away, but just then the waitress came with their drinks. Naruto sat down with a sheepish grin as she gave him an odd look, setting the glasses down with a gentle _clink._

"Something the matter?" Naruto shook his head 'no', and the girl shrugged and left. The silence that followed was excruciatingly painful, only broken by their thanks for the girl when she brought their food a few minutes later. After eating Naruto got up, fully intending to leave.

"Well, that wasn't fun, hate to do it again. Bye!" Just as he began to scurry away (leave Sai with the bill, dammit – Naruto was taking the creepy painting after all!) the pale artist reached out an arm and snagged Naruto's wrist.

"We are going to do this again."

Naruto frowned, tugging a bit at the grip on his wrist. "_Why _would I agree to that?" Damn, did this guy have some balls, making that sound like a threat.

And then Sai reached into that bag of his, and pulled out a leather bound notebook that Naruto could recognize in a heartbeat. He stared, and stared, and realized that maybe, just maybe, the reason that his notebook had been so hard to find was because he had left it at the beach. And maybe, just maybe, Sai had picked it up.

"This is important to you, correct? I'll give to back to you if you promise me another date." Sai smiled, yanking the notebook out of the way from Naruto's desperate grasp. Naruto glared. Of all things. Of course, he would have to agree. That notebook had been a gift from his godfather, one of the few adult figures Naruto had had growing up. He couldn't let this bastard keep it.

"Fine. Just tell Ino the details. She'll tell me." And with that, Naruto stormed out, pushing past Sakura who had clearly gotten out of her seat to inquire on how it went.

That _bastard._

_

* * *

  
_

Naruto entered the second date feeling quite calm, surprisingly. He had a wonderful plan in mind. Act amazing the entire date, seduce the notebook away from Sai, and then make a quick escape on foot. Indeed, it was a genius plan.

The 'restaurant' this time was more of a 'bar'. Naruto reflected this would work the best for his plan. He'd get Sai tanked, coo something like, "I love how you know everything about me," and the next thing he knew, Naruto would be the once-again owner of a certain journal.

Walking into the bar, he spotted Sai sitting in the back, sketching idly at an art pad. Though, (scarily enough) Sai looked up exactly as Naruto entered, and smirked. Ignoring the desire to search his clothes for a tracking device, he went over to the small table at the back to join Sai.

"Hey sexy," Naruto greeted with a winning smile. Sai looked up and smiled in return, gesturing for Naruto to sit down. Naruto obeyed, pulling the chair over so he was an appropriate, "second date and wanna get laid" distance.

"So, dickless, want me to go get our drinks?" Naruto winced at the nickname, before registering the invitation. Although alcohol was key in his genius plan, the blond didn't put it past Sai to GHB his drink. So, he responded with a charming smile and a "how 'bout I do it?"

Sai frowned. "I read that it would be appropriate for the instigator of the date to order the drinks." And to demonstrate what he meant, he flipped shut his sketchbook (Naruto caught a glimpse of something that suspiciously resembled himself and Sai), put away the sketchbook and pulled out a book.

Naruto stared.

Stared.

And stared a bit more.

The book was entitled, 'Dates and Dating for Dummies' and looked newly-bought but well-read. Naruto was floored by the idea that anyone would need a _book_ on help for dating, then bring said book on the date. Sure, Naruto had been a bit of a social retard for most of his life, but even he never needed _books._ In fact, he tended to avoid reading in general. (Maybe that's why his books sucked so much.)

"A _book _man? You get your dating advice from a _book_? No wonder you had to blackmail me into this date." Shaking his head in disbelief, Naruto re-sat himself from his half-risen position. Sai blinked in a mildly confused manner.

"Actually, I extorted you into this date." Sai paused, and then looked down, appearing embarrassed. "And . . . I get all my social advice from books."

"Why?" Naruto leaned in, curious. For as long as he could remember, he'd absolutely _loved_ listening to peoples' angsty life stories. It made him feel better, the other person feel better, and just a general sensation of feeling better-ness filled the air. It helped the other person to change. Really, Naruto was surprised he had yet to be given an award for correcting a whole bunch of major assholes.

"Well, once upon a time I had a brother--" Sai began, only to be cut off by Naruto.

"Fuck, _Sasuke_ has a brother, and that dude eats raw steaks and puts 'Mass clan slaughter' in the Uchiha Picnic Day event suggestion box! Beat that, man." If Naruto were into some self-reflection, he might be awed by how he made everything into a competition. Sadly, he wasn't into self-reflection, or even deep thinking for that matter.

Sai rolled his eyes. "Well, I was getting to it." Naruto gave him a sheepish grin, and Sai continued his woeful tale. "I had a brother . . . who wasn't actually my blood brother. We were both adopted by Danzou--"

"Danzou, the guy who hates Tsunade-baachan and has never heard of eye-patches?" Naruto knew the man vaguely, having spied upon an occasion where Tsunade and her manly punches proceeded to teach the bandage-accessorizing man how to yelp like a little bitch.

"Actually, yes. But you forgot flaming pedophile. Ever since a young age, my good looks--" Naruto nodded "--would cause Danzou to sneak into my room to molest me. I had to call him Big Daddy Danzou, and the only one who saved me from trying to escape that harsh existence was my brother." Sai's story was definitely beginning to interest Naruto, quite the feat since having heard so many extreme examples of how life could fuck up – and having experienced those many ways himself – he was hard to impress.

Still.

Naruto could see where this was going. He gave Sai a nervous look.

"What happened to him?"

"Danzou? I don't know, I left home at sixteen."

The blond shook his head. "Your brother in all but blood."

Sai gave a frown, gazing off into the distance as he drummed the table pensively with his fingers. This went on for a few minutes during which Naruto left, got drinks, returned, drank his drink AND Sai's drink, went to the washroom, bought more drinks, and came back again. He was just beginning to sip his third drink when Sai turned to him, a lost expression on his face.

"My brother . . . caught an STD." Sai stated flatly. Naruto raised an eyebrow. That was new. He would have to add another to his list of 'Why People Act Like Douchebags'. Brother's getting STD's.

"Did he die?" Honestly, Naruto couldn't care less if that was a rude question to ask. Anyone would tell anyone else listening that most people just LOVED to talk about personal tragedies.

"Yes." Sai . . . sighed. "He had been so desperate to prove to Danzou that he didn't belong to him that he went out and had unprotected sex, caught an STD which slowly tore his insides to shreds. He bled internally to death in one of the most painful deaths known to man."

Naruto sighed as well. Asking rudely about death was one thing, making a condom joke after that little speech was another. He could feel the temptation, burning there. The one that suggested that things like telling Mikoto-san that her youngest was a complete and utter slut was a good idea. The feeling that inspired him to walk up to Neji, finger his Branch member necklace and pronounce him sort sort of female, lesbian neo-nazi on his date with some girl. That sensation which inspired him to make perverted jokes at funerals, mockingly air-hump Akamaru in the middle of the street, or even call Orochimaru up at two AM to describe his latest heterosexual adventure to the sixty years or so old gay man.

Oh well. Temptation won. "Never heard of 'protect your monkey if you're gonna get funky', huh?" Among many other things, Naruto was never known for his self-restraint. As if the former examples weren't clue enough.

Sai stared blankly at Naruto, far too overwhelmed by such a brash comment to be offended. A staring contest soon developed between the two, lasting until Naruto coughed pointedly and Sai returned to his story. "Ah . . . after my brother died, I became closed off. I left home, began work as a stripper, was scouted out for my artwork by one of my customers, and eventually became the painter I am today. But because of my rough beginnings, I was frozen emotionally. It was only after I heard of you did I begin to change."

He smiled at Naruto.

Naruto smiled back, pleased.

That is, until he realized what Sai had said.

"When you _heard_ of me?" Naruto stared in shock. Hell, he was good at changing people's entire outlook on life, but normally he at least had to meet them first. (And preferably get some good old-fashioned fisticuffs thrown in as well.)

Sai nodded, a smile stretching across his face. "The way Ino described you . . . you sounded just like my brother. I was interested, so I got an apartment near yours so I could watch you through your window."

Naruto gaped.

Oh dear sweet goodness.

_That_ explained the painting.

"H . . . h-how long ago was this?" Asked the blond, wincing at how high-pitched his voice sounded. He wasn't afraid. He wasn't! I mean, any man would be totally brave while being stalked by a former stripper, and Naruto wasn't just any man, he was better! So he wasn't afraid.

Just really, _really_ freaked out.

"Three years."

Really, really, really, _really _freaked out.

Naruto, as always, attempted to see the positive side to this.

"Well at least you didn't use a telescope, right man?" Naruto could see his godfather Jiraiya in his mind's eye, leaning over the edge of a roof with his telescope as he spied on girls. And then, in quick succession, his imagination brought him the image of Sai, telescope pressed up against his window as Naruto wanked off in his bathroom.

Shudder.

"Of course I didn't." Scoffed Sai, giving Naruto a calm look, before a smile curved his lips. "I used binoculars."

Naruto shuddered once again, casually moving his chair a bit. However, the stealth aspect of this was ruined as the chair screeched against the floor, clearly revealing that he found Sai one creepy bastard. And although he did, he also felt sorry for Sai, and didn't want to make the poor stalker feel bad.

"Oh, you got the drinks? Thank you." Sai changed the subject quickly, picking up his drink and taking a sip. The poor artist just couldn't understand why things were so _hard_ with Naruto! He just wanted the blond to like him back, but all he did was ignore Sai, and insult him, and his brother, and back away from in fear. It wasn't fair! Sai had certainly not said a single thing to bother Naruto.

Had he?

"Ah . . . Naruto. Have I said something to bother you?" Sai asked, deciding that the best way to find out was to ask. Naruto blinked at him, as the blond tried to puzzle this out. Okay. Sai was a creeper with a tough past who was unsure of how to emote. So maybe he didn't realize how weird he was being. Naruto would just have to tell him. He activated his super-serious voice.

"Listen Sai. I'm feel sorry for you, and I can't let someone as hot as you go through life without knowing how to act if you want to get laid – it just would be a **waste**!" Naruto punctuated the word _waste_ with a dramatic slamming-of-the-table with his hand. Sai cocked his head to the side, and held up a hand to stop Naruto. "What, Sai? Can't you tell I'm building up to a speech?"

Sai nodded. "I realize that, Naruto. _How To Befriend A Drama Queen_ specifically covered such an event, but you have to wait while I get out my notepad. This could be important." The pale-skinned man reached into his bag and pulled out a small notebook and a pen. Naruto, quite used to Lee's habits when he was younger, didn't even bat an eye at such strange behaviour. "Carry on."

"Well, um, where was I?" Asked Naruto, trying to regain his footing after being stopped before he finished building up to the part of the speech that normally got people to cry.

"It would be a waste if I didn't get laid." Sai prompted, writing these words on a page of the notebook, underneath _"Naruto's First Speech To Me"_, a little heart following these words.

"Oh. Oh yeah. Well, it would be waste! Don't you understand the _pain_ people must be going through? They try to approach you for your sweet piece of ass, and get totally COCK-BLOCKED by your attitude! Like, I thought you were pretty damn sexy until you opened your mouth and started making fun of me and saying you'd been _stalking_ me--"

"You stalked me back," shot Sai in return, not wishing to be the only stalker in the situation.

"It was accidental! I accidentally stalked you!" Cried Naruto, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

Sai blinked, before giving a painfully fake smile. "Exucse me, Naruto, but I have been stalking you for three years now and it was most definitely not an accident. I didn't accidentally put spyware into your computer so I would know what you were searching, I didn't accidentally break into your home in order to restock your fridge, I didn't accidentally--"

Naruto yelped. Manfully. "Gah, Sai, please, if this is ever going to work out, you can't tell me all that you've done. I'll become so paranoid that the next time I move something around in my house and forget I did it, I'll be like, Sai's been feng-shuing my house!"

Sai dutifully wrote down, _"keep feng-shuing a secret. Makes Naruto unhappy," _before looking back up at the blonde and registering what else he'd said. "You think we have a chance? And that I'm attractive?" And here Sai had been beginning to think it might be hopeless.

Naruto shrugged. "'Course you're attractive. And we might have a chance. I've led what Sakura-chan calls a _colourful life_. I've met tons of interesting people, and I'm pretty sure that I have a magnet hidden inside of me that attracts beautiful people, because between people like Ino and Neji and tons of other peeps I've totally more than maxed out my quota for sexy people met per lifetime, but they keep coming. Anyway, what I'm saying is that you're hot enough to compete with Sasuke, and you're interesting enough to keep up with Gaara, and that makes you pretty awesome in my book, even if I so really hate you for taking my book to blackmail me into this date."

"Extort," replied Sai automatically, before awkwardly half-reaching for his black bag. "If I give it back, will you leave?" His voice was very quiet, and Naruto had to strain to hear him over the music of the bar.

"You know Sai, maybe I will, maybe I won't. But you got to take a risk, just like you risked talking to me in the first place." Naruto nodded confidently, injecting his voice with boundless enthusiasm and encouragement and wiseness. If Sai did the right thing here, all it would take would be one more thing before they became friends.

Sai hesitated, before plunging his hands into his bag and pulling out a leather-bound notebook with a spiral stamped into the cover. "Here, Naruto." Sai's date grinned, before accepting the book and lovingly caressing it – perhaps a bit too lovingly, but Sai didn't have enough emotive properties to be sure. Then Naruto threw it casually aside on the table, and used one of his free hands to grab Sai's shirt and yank him forward.

They sat for a moment, faces a foot away, and Sai wondered if this was the Kiss he had read so much about. Not necessarily a First Kiss, but instead the most momentous Kiss of someone's life. He steadied himself, trying not to think about his breath stank of alcohol. Naruto leaned a little closer, blue eyes sexily intense, and Sai's eyes fluttered closed in expectation –

_-WHAM!-_

Wham?

_-Wham-_ was not a kissing noise, not unless the kissers happened to be pro wrestlers. Sai reopened his eyes, dazed, and wondered why the Kiss had gone _wham_ and why his cheek hurt. And why he was on the floor. Then he saw Naruto's fist and it clicked into place. "You punched me."

"I punched you."

"You punched me?"

"He punched you!"

"I'm sorry, but this is between me and him, could you please leave?"

"Yeah, lady, beat it."

"I can't leave! I'm the manager and I must ask, sir, that you take you and your fist elsewhere!"

"Hey, I needed to hit him--!"

"I don't care. Leave."

"Ma'am, I'm very sorry for Naruto's behaviour. He probably did have a reason to punch me."

"I don't care if you've been stalking him for three years and were holding something ransom in order to blackmail--"

"Extort!"

"--_extort_ him into this. He still shouldn't punch you. Now both of you troublemakers, get the hell out of here."

"Fine, ya know what? We'll leave. We're leaving. Look at us leave – oh wait, my notebook. Well, I'll just grab that and leave. Now we're leaving for sure. Come on Sai, fuck this place."

"Okay."

Five minutes later after being hustled out of the door by the frowning-faced manager, Naruto and Sai found themselves lurking in a park. It was rather late at night, and the pair hovered near a streetlight. Sai was frowning, tapping his pen to a slow beat against his leg. Naruto coughed, waiting for his date to say something. After all, the whole punching-then-becoming-friends thing only really worked if you talked to them immediately afterward. If you didn't you were just an asshole who punched people randomly.

"Look, Sai--"

"Did you punch me because you didn't want to kiss me?"

Naruto gaped. Oops!

"No, no, no, you got it wrong. I punched you because you were an asshole to me. But now that I've gotten the bad feelings out of the way, there are only _good_ feelings left! Very good feelings, if you get my drift . . ." Naruto trailed off suggestively, eyebrow-wiggle and smarmy smirk and everything, but Sai simply stared blankly at him.

"That's not suggested in any of the books I've read. They said that if you have a problem with someone you should talk it out calmly and rationally and attempt to reach an understanding."

"Eh, whatever. I'm me and the books are books and you are you! I'm sorry about hitting you if you're sorry about stealing my notebook and blackmailing–" Sai didn't even bother "–me into this date."

Sai tilted his head to the side. Was he sorry? After careful consideration, he shrugged. "I'm sorry if I upset you, but I'm not sorry for doing it since we ended up here and you're talking about 'good feelings' in the type of voice the people at the strip club always used when trying to take me home . . ." Naruto flinched, well aware that whether knowingly or not, Sai had just called him sleazy.

"Okay, look, you know what, let's start over." Naruto stuck out his hand and grinned as charmingly as he could. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. According to my friend I'm a struggling artist seeking inspiration, and I couldn't help but notice you looking my way." Sai looked uncertainly at Naruto before a small smile graced his lips and he accepted Naruto's hand for a shake.

"I'm Sai. I'm a successful painter, a former stripper and a great lover of pulp fiction. I've been looking your way for a while; it's been nearly three years since I started." They stood like that for a long minute, holding hands, before a drunk stumbling up next to them to vomit in the bushes ruined the mood. But Naruto didn't let go of Sai; he simply yanked him closer and grinned saucily at him.

"How 'bout we go back to my apartment? I'm sure you know where it is."

Sai gave a genuine smile and ducked his head, chuckling slightly. "Yes, yes I do."

And they went.

_  


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"I can't believe it billboard-brow. I really can't. Who'd have thought that someone as beautiful, artistic, charming, kind and polite as Sai would ever hook up with a overloud moron like Naruto?" Ino flopped down on her friend's bed, idly examining her painted nails. From the floor of her bedroom, a smug Sakura replied.

"I had an idea it would work."

"You _liar_, it was a blind date. You had no more of an idea of who it was than Naruto."

"Doesn't mean my sixth sense wasn't going off like a gaydar alarm around Orochimaru," Sakura huffed. Ino sat back up in order to sneer at Sakura.

"Oh, shove a fucking spork in it. Sasori, Tenten. Kiba, Shikamaru. Kisame, _Neji_ . . . sixth sense my perfectly toned ass." Ino lay back down again, leaving Sakura to fume on the floor.

"You know what, you conceited bimbo–" Sakura seemed quite prepared to start an argument, but a soft voice cut her off.

"Sakura-chan, Ino-chan, we should just be happy that Naruto-kun and Sai-kun have found each other," murmured Hinata, as she finished braiding her hair. "Not everyone is lucky enough to find someone they really like."

"Awww, Hinata wants attention!" Squealed Ino, sitting up and awkwardly bum-shuffling her way over to Hinata. She threw her arms around the other woman, a happy smile on her face. "You're just too precious!"

Sakura chuckled and and jumped to her feet, coming to sit on Hinata's over side. "I suppose we should show her that we really like her, huh Ino-pig?" Sakura teased, wrapping an arm around Hinata's waist, who promptly blushed.

"Neji-niisan is expecting me for lunch . . . I have to leave soon." Sakura and Ino immediately sighed in disappointment, letting go of the third woman.

"Fine, fine rain check." Ino announced, and she and Sakura saw a blushing Hinata to the door. Once she was gone, Sakura and Ino eyed each other speculatively. Ino grinned. "So . . . wanna go see if we can walk in on Sai and Naruto screwing like rabbits?"

Sakura smirked. "You pervert – grab the camera."

**The End**

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**A/N: Why does Sakura constantly end my NaruSomeone yaoi fics by wanting pictures? I guess her pretty much canon status as a yaoi-lover is the reason. Anywho. This was for you, Kaza. I hope you enjoyed. I'm a horrible person who took a year longer than you at writing giftfic, for which I feel truly horrible. So I came home today and I was like, "I'm finishing this damn thing today." Because I had everything but the ending written forever now, and my sheer horrible procrastination prevented me from trying to finish it. But here. It's done. I wrote Narusai, InoSakuHina, and I vaguely suggested KisaNeji, which I love an inappropriate amount. All is good in the world. And for those who don't know, Kaza is Novelist Pup and I am pimping him because all his stories are very good, and I read a couple even if I'm not in the fandom.**

**Anywho. Review?  
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